Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
