He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
