That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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