dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
