Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
