hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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