last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
