what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
