Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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