So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
