Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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