Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.