I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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