If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
