Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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