Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
