Sry I called you an 8
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
