someone owes me an orgasm
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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