It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
