Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
