the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
