I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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