I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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