ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
