I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize