I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.