I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
