i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
