I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sext me about skeletons
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
