I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize