So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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