If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
