Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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