Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
