you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Of course I have a pirate flag
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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