literally had 100 drinks last night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
