I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This is not my ceiling
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
