I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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