his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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