Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
