Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
