I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
