so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
