I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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