I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
