i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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