I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
