well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
