I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
