apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
