idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
