I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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