My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
