you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
