I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
