Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
