I want to stick my p in your. b.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
